Peculiarities in Pillows

When I first came to Holland to visit my wife-to-be, I was astounded by the number of pillows she had lying all over her bed. Not pillows to lay your head upon, but rather the little pillows of various shape and color and size but generally limited functionality. Having gotten past the predominant pinks and reds and the uncountable hearts, I still pause to contemplate the risks and costs of this fetish. The risk of spraining an ankle as you stumble over the mountain of pillows between you and the toilet at 3AM and the costs of gathering 53 pillows every morning as you make the bed and head to breakfast. Having observed my wife's frenetic morning rituals, I simply marvel.

Three years of marriage have not ended this fetish, though until recently  I had thought I had become relatively accustomed to this particular peculiarity of my spouse. Accustomed to moving pillows out of the way in order to find a place to sit on the couch. Accustomed to moving pillows out of the way when I have to store something in the attic. Accustomed to the pillows with their various messages. Next to the pillow with the word HOME sewn upon it is a pillow with the image of a postcard, with text in English, French, Spanish, Russian, and Polish. There is also another pillow with the image of an envelope with various stamps and illegible writing.

But the most recent addition to the couch has left me dumbfounded. This pillow is emblazoned with bold black letters: CAUTION: 800 CRTG, 5 Ball, 1 Tracer. What is someone to think as they eye the couch and all nine pillows upon it? It's a rather confusing message: Home, Caution, Carte Postale. Choosing a seat on our couch suddenly resembles a cross between musical chairs and a sort of Russian roulette. So when our next guests come visiting, I'll hang up their coats in the closet and guide them to the couch, where they may, with care, choose their fate amongst the pillows. As for me, I'll just grab a chair from the kitchen.